Today exactly six years ago I first stepped on this country's soil. Well, had been here once before, but that had been as a tourist, not as a student cum a living seeker.

Whoa, six years! You realize how long that is? In six years your newborn would be in SD. In another six years he would be in SMP. Six more years it would be college. And if you were lucky enough you'd be preparing to welcome your daughter-in-law to the family in the next six. Unless you were my parents, in which case you'd have to be content with waiting for six more. And even then, it's still not a full guarantee.

This city -- after all these years, I can still hardly think of it as a country -- in many ways has left good impressions on me. The cleanness. The security. The good, if not ideal, public transport. The efficient workforce. The no-nonsense, practical approaches to almost everything. Still, it has also offered me stuff I didn't anticipate when I first walked out of its state-of-the-art airport six years ago.

So, as a tribute to this fine city, here are a few unexpected things it has taught me over the course of those six years.

The government is always there for you
Babies crying during movies? Ask the gamen to ban infants from cinemas. Kids in heelys accidentally running into you at shopping malls? The gamen should impose hefty fines on sellers and buyers alike for trading such weapons of mass destruction. High unemployment rate? It's time the gamen kick out those inconsiderate bastards that are the foreign workers. Bottom line: you can rely on the government for a lot of things; for everything else, you can always ask.

Everyone is an executive
Whatever you do, your first job would make you an executive, just like that. Sales Executive. IT Executive. Web Executive. Hiring Executive. In 1 to 2 years if you behave, you'd become a senior executive. Senior Sales Executive. Senior IT Executive. Senior Web Executive. Senior Hiring Executive. And that's basically it. Manager, let alone Senior Manager, is something you can only dream of. Unless you start your own company.

You can demand anyone to do anything kindly
"Kindly" is a powerful word here in this city. Need last year's full sales reports? Just send someone an email to kindly have them ready first thing in Thursday morning, which is tomorrow, incidentally. It's OK to send the email at 5PM; you use the magic word, therefore they should kindly move their asses at once.

Scolding is a must
It doesn't matter what or who a person is, if he or she makes exactly one mistake, it's always within your rights to give 'im or 'er a good whoopin'. Only they call it scolding here. Your passengers do not know for sure where they are going? As their taxi driver, you have to scold them, it's for their own good. That they are first-time tourists here or that they don't understand your perfect Singlish is not an excuse. Remember, exactly one mistake. Beyond that, you should refer them to the gamen (see above). Note: 1) scolding is especially mandatory upon failure to do what you have asked them using the word "kindly" (see above also); 2) one exception: you can't scold them if they can't be bothered (see below).

When you can't be bothered, you're not required to do anything
When someone or something asks/tells/demands that you do something -- your job, your promise, anything -- just say you can't be bothered and you can go on with your life. After all, you can't be bothered, so why bother? Note: this supersedes the "kindly" rule and the "scolding" rule above.

Noone you know is typical
Much has been said about how the residents of this city are kiasu. Curiously, you'll never personally know one who is. During the Hello Kitty rush back in 2000, everyone talked about those crazy, ridiculous queues for a friggin' cat. Yet, never would you find yourself face-to-face with someone who said, hey, t'was me in one of those queues! Who says people here have nothing to do but shopping? People you speak to will always say, I'd rather stay at home and sleep. And, of course, I can't be bothered.

Leaving from work on time is an unfined sin
People will pretend they don't notice, but they do. So when you have to leave on time, kindly do so with discretion. Sometimes they will innocently comment, "Leaving early ah? Got hot date, issit?" It takes practice, but you should always have good excuses handily. "My parents are here wat? Must pick up at the airport" is a good one. Or, "Where got hot date? Got appointment with doctor lor." Be patient, Grasshopper, eventually you will master this art. Then it will be time for you to leave.

When writing an SMS or an online forum post, it is compulsory to confuse others
Always use abbreviations when you can. Preferably those you invented yourself. Noone but you must understand what you write. Even you is optional, no worries. Here and then throw in some words whose roots are questionable. This is a good example.

Uh-oh, it was longer than what I had planned. But that's the beauty of this city. The city its residents seem to despise and always make fun of. Yet, when kindly asked whether they would rather live in, say, Indonesia, everyone shakes their heads and is like, "OK wat, I can't be bothered anyway."

Current music: Metallica - Devil's Dance
Current mood: happy