I don't know about you, but I always love instant messaging. It allows you to express your feelings better -- as ridiculous as it sounds. You can type anything, even things you do not normally say to someone else's face for whatever reason. You can joke all you want to break the tension or simply to bring up the mood.

Even when it does not work out, you still have your screen name and plenty of smileys to hide behind.

And so I typed...

Me (foxey lady): are you serious?

the archer: I so am. And I wasn't rushing it, either.

Me (foxey lady): *sighs* i know it won't go on of course. i mean, if it wasn't you, it would be me coming to this decision. just didn't expect it to end so soon.

the archer: Believe me, it pains me so much just typing this.

Me (foxey lady): i know.

I took a deep breath and looked to my right, then around the room. The room I had been sleeping in for a while now.

Me (foxey lady): oh well, nothing lasts forever, right? don't worry. i'll be all right.

the archer: I know you will. It's me I'm worried about.

Me (foxey lady): and why's that?

the archer: I hate to say this, Foxey. But it just seems to me that... Gosh, I don't know how to say it...

Me (foxey lady): just out with it. you know i'm always easy.

the archer: Well. It just seems to me that you don't care as much as I do.

Me (foxey lady): what?!

the archer: I'm tired, Foxey. I just am.

Me (foxey lady): tired? of me?!

the archer: I don't know. Sometimes I think I want more out of this relationship than you do. I expect more. And I don't always get that in return.

My fingers shook.

Me (foxey lady): oh come on, jay! you know the situation. all along we knew this wouldn't last. i keep telling you that. heck, YOU keep telling me that!

the archer: You're absolutely right. Look, I'm not blaming this on you, all right?

Me (foxey lady): what then?

the archer: It's just that... Well, to me, it goes to show that I am not so special after all.

Me (foxey lady): oh, for god's sake, jay! was there ever a day without me sending you an sms? how many times have i invented some occasion just to see you?

the archer: I know...

Me (foxey lady): and did i ever go to bed without saying good night?

the archer: Uh, THAT actually happened pretty often :)

Me (foxey lady): yea, sorry about that :) you know my eyes can't keep it for long once oscitancy comes.

I sighed. Whatever I had to say, I had to word it carefully now.

Me (foxey lady): jay, just because i don't say i miss you as often as you do, doesn't mean i don't miss you, all right? just because i never say you're special, doesn't mean you're not. isn't an act better than words?

the archer: You're right. I guess based on my past relationships I tend to expect more.

Me (foxey lady): i'm not your past, jay.

the archer: So true. And that's what makes you so interesting.

Me (foxey lady): really?

the archer: Really.

Me (foxey lady): so how can you say you're not special?

the archer: I know I am special. Just not THAT special.

Me (foxey lady): elaborate please.

the archer: Gosh, I knew I shouldn't have said too much. It would come out wrong. Even on this messenger.

I let a significant deal of silence pass.

Me (foxey lady): i have my reasons, jay. those things i didn't initially tell you? i just felt they didn't really concern you, that's all.

the archer: My point, exactly. I'm just not THAT special for you to share... well, whatever it was you didn't share.

More silence. I willed him to continue, as I had nothing.

the archer: I know your situation, Foxey. I don't know exactly what's on your mind because you don't always let me know. But I respect that. It's your life. I wish it weren't so complicated, but it is, so what can I say.

Still nothing.

the archer: Again, whataver it is, I'm not blaming you, Foxey. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. I'm not implying my way is THE way. I mean, hey, you can't expect an owl to start hanging out during the day just because she's dating a rooster, can you?

In spite of myself, I could not help smiling.

Me (foxey lady): stupid analogy.

the archer: I know :) But you get the point.

Me (foxey lady): i do.

the archer: I'm sorry it has to happen like this. But I will never, ever, be sorry for meeting you the first time.

Me (foxey lady): of course. same here. what's there to be sorry about? we're adults. we knew the situation and the consequences. and we chose to go right ahead.

the archer: I had a lot of fun being with you, Foxey. Thanks for making the last few months worthwhile.

Me (foxey lady): likewise, thanks for everything, jay. sorry it didn't work out.

the archer: All the best, Foxey. I'm gonna miss you. You're a very special lady.

I leaned back and took another look around. Slowly, this time. I studied each object, as if trying to absorb all the memories that had taken place in this room. My final gaze fell on my suitcase, neatly packed for my trip in a few hours' time. Trip that now had a whole new, different meaning.

I love instant messaging. It allows me to say things beyond my pride.

And now, only one thing was left to say.

Me (foxey lady): i love you, jay.

I closed my laptop lid. The system started its hibernation.

On my right, Jay did the same with his laptop. We stood up and he took me into the tightest embrace I remembered we had ever shared.

"I love you, too, Foxey," he said softly, kissing my cheek.

I kissed him back and he let me go. Without a word, I packed the laptop, pulled my suitcase up, and walked out the door. Out of the room I had shared with Jay for several months now.

Soon, it was another journey for Foxey. A journey back to the man she had married.

'Til death do them part.

Current music: D'Cinnamons - Selamanya Cinta
Current mood: happy